It's been over 10 years, Oct 30th 2007, since the day I delivered my Angel Baby, Aidan Douglas. The pregnancy was textbook, easy just like his older Brother 2 years earlier. I was 25 years old at the time and the pregnancy was 38.5 weeks along. But I had a bad feeling going to that, my last, family Dr appointment. I should explain that in Alberta, where I lived at the time, we went to our family Dr for monthly check ups from 20 weeks till the last month when it went to weekly until delivery. We did meet with the delivery Dr (OB) about a month before our due date but normally did not see them again unless you were high risk, which I was not. I went to this appointment alone cause Dad had to work and it was just a routine check up, I had done many alone even with my first pregnancy. My first went 2 weeks over due and he was perfect 8lbs 8oz and healthy.
At the Dr they took all my vitals and then we were going to listen to my son's heartbeat... The Dr could not find it. He went and got a nurse and another Doppler just in case it was the equipment. Still no heartbeat. They left the room, then came back and said "you are experiencing a stillbirth, you need to go to the hospital now" I was in shock and asked to call my husband I told him "Aidan is gone, we need to go to the hospital" but I still had hope they were wrong. I went home to my mom who was watching my oldest and told her, loaded ALL our bags baby's too, still had that hope. We, Hubby and I, left to the hospital. When we arrived they were expecting us. We went to the waiting beds and sat there for what seemed like forever. They used a portable ultrasound and we saw our angel but no heartbeat our hearts stoped in that moment too. They said they wanted to send me for a better ultrasound (tests I'm sure). We were told I'd have to deliver him "WTF no way," I thought. We spoke to counsellors and were asked if we wanted to hold him or see him, we did not. This time too felt like forever. But by this time small contractions had started all on their own, my body just knew. We had the 2nd better ultrasound, nothing was said. We got our private room and my labour started progressing more. I got all the drugs I wanted, even got a push button to get a top up when I needed. I delivered my 4lb 4oz son.
We were given so many grief pamphlets and told that a few local funeral homes provided free cremation for angels like ours. We were told about a take home box that had pictures and special things in it, but in our grief we did not want it. They said they keep them indefinitely and we could call any time if we change our minds. We did 2 weeks later and I'm so glad they made that keepsake for us. It had a blanket, hat, 2 teddies, hand and foot print, a snip of hair and many photos. He looked just like his big brother less the colour difference, they come out black and blue. The Dr at the hospital said they could not see any reason as to why he passed and we had the autopsy done. That came back with no known reason also. My angel was just meant for me to share by word not in person.
I have since had 2 rainbow babies; A son (Feb 2009) who was born just a year and 4 months later and named after his angel brother. If it was not for him I don't know how I would have survived that first year. Then my princess (Dec 2011) to complete our family. Both my rainbow babies were induced at 38 weeks because of my stillbirth. I was considered higher risk and monitored way closer with monthly ultrasounds, but they were still textbook pregnancies, less all the worries and stress. My advice to anyone new to our special supper mom group would be NEVER STOP TALKING. It will help you heal (as much as you can) and find others so you don't feel alone.
-Tammy Bolch
